Lament of sorts :S

Life brings trouble like honey draws bees,
I Wish I Could turn and never look back.
Nothing's ever right and everything seems wrong
Like it's all my fault

The wind blows by signing rain will come
I want it to caress my face my heart
But the sun come out and the clouds go away
Why does everything seem so out of place?

I want the wind to carry all my fears
I want the rain to camouflage my tears
I want the sun to be able to
make my heart warm again

I want to turn back time to right the wrongs
Whether its mine or not
I wish to forget everything that hurts
but I know all these are impossible to do.

To face it all over again tears my heart asunder
yet this is nothing compared to a suicide attempt
if I don't take this time to heal myself
I will hurt not only me, but everyone else

Remembering something from long ago
is like salt and vinegar to the reopened wound
The disgust, the hurt and the disappointment
only now I know why I am who I am today

I asked your God to help me deal with my grief
little did I realize it came at such a price
For one's passing, many things had to resurface
for one's passing, I understand now why it hurt so much

Not for the happy memories, but for the ones that hurt the most: the forgotten memories
Not for your kindness or your love, but the things we went through together
Not for your companionship but for the irreplaceable loss of it.
Not for my fear of loneliness without you, but loneliness from keeping others away

Opening my armor, I struggled with your God
I don't trust Him enough, not as much as you trusted Him
I know that He is my Sword and Shield, my Eternal Defender
But knowing it in my head, is never the same as knowing in my heart

But above all, I didn't want to see my bloodied soul
Yet He told me in all kindness that
I have to take mu armor because my wounds inside
will fester and cause my soul decay

When I resisted after He said the truth of me
in kindness still He rebuked your child
As I had seek Him and ask for His healing
Yet when He came, I pushed Him away

Slowly and patiently, my armor He takes off
Piece by piece, He removes it from me
I see it was made of useless wood and clay
my body, my body is in a mangled mess.

He washed the grime and dried blood
It hurts like mad when He reopened the wounds to clean them out
When it's too much, He stops and let's me rest
after the wound is cleaned, has medicine on it and and bandaged properly

It was not done, but I ran away again
I didn't want to go through all that again
He is patient, and He waited for me to go back
Why am I so faithless? “Because you're human” He said.

Most of my pathetic armor has been taken off
I am vulnerable, hurt and afraid of everything
but if I can't trust Him, who else can I trust?
So I held on to the helm of His Cloak

Suddenly I feel it wrapped around me
I find myself under His wing
I know I am safe whenever in Him
Although in solitude, I have now a friend

Something in me makes me want to run again
Yet if I run, I'll hurt myself again
What do I have to lose if I abide in Him?
Even if I ran, He will chase after me

How great is your God
For it should be me who chases after Him
Yet it is He who chases after this runaway child of yours
Help my unbelief, O God of my mother
And be my God always and forever.